Below are excerpts from a diary of a ______ in Taiwan (in italic text). I found it on the street while walking around Taichung, picked it up and decided to publish some parts for you. However I had to censor some things, because that's how we do it in Taiwan, we avoid communicating directly. And I'm sure you can fill in the blanks with many different words.
~The Doctrine~
"I'm not here to bash ______ and say that I despise them. I love their way of life and their culture, but that still doesn't mean that I won't trash them in every post I write or ridicule them for everything they do, because I know much better what is right and what is wrong. After all, I come from the pinnacle of civilization. I'm tired of hearing people say "That's the way they are". I believe that as ______ we need to change the culture everywhere we go, we are the foamed milk on top of the global cappuccino, we know better how other cultures need to behave in order to make them better, in the rare case almost as good as us. If you disagree with what I said, no problem, feel free to challenge me, but I will delete you for trolling."
~The Confession~
It's not easy to be a ______ in Taiwan. It feels like being here on a mission 24/7, I feel like a cultural James Bond, not an escapee, what most people mistakingly think of me (go figure!). Of course I also behave like one, when I walk around here. I really enjoy to play this new role, because back home I am nobody. But not only that, I am so dedicated to be the new ambassador of culture, that's why I chose to be an educator here, so that on the one hand I can start to change the local culture from the bottom up (excluding aboriginal people, of course!) and on another hand, I have short working hours, which gives me plenty of time to observe all the things Taiwanese do wrong (excluding aboriginal people, of course!) and then write about it on my blog (where other like-minded people usually applaud me). It's a pity that the community is so small and insignificant in Taiwan. One could say that I am actually wasting time and energy for something that doesn't serve any purpose and doesn't have any effect on anything. I am just somebody among nobodies, but that's ok, it still makes me feel great and superior.
~The Questions~
I really don't want to be mean to my brethren from ______, who decide to settle in Taiwan, but they are just not trying hard enough to help us ______. They are wholly integrated, usually accept the Taiwanese way of life with all its contradictions, try hard to blend in and they mostly don't work as educators. That's a problem. How can they accept things the way they are here? I don't get it. How can you go to Asia and not try to do anything possible to change the local culture, traditions and way of life? How can you not feel the urge to impose your superior views on them? No idea. In my country ______ we believe in going beyond the determinations and limitations of culture (of course not when it comes to our own), that's why we know exactly what's best for everyone.
Common belief: Taiwanese always need others to tell them what to do.
~The Answers~
I know that there is a big demand for people like me here and less so for people from ______. But can you really blame us for wanting to be here? Taiwan makes it very easy for us. We get paid better, we get treated better and we have enough time and opportunities to date the local population as much as we can, so why wouldn't we come? However I realized that there is obviously a huge misunderstanding between what we think we are doing here and what Taiwanese think we should be doing here.
While Taiwanese just need babysitters for their kids, because they work so much, a certain kind of us here (including me) see ourselves as cultural crusaders, who will educate and build up a new better generation of Taiwanese, that will have a global identity ("God forbid they would think they're Chinese!"). Some of them believe that it is better to pinyinize Taiwan as the first step ("Traditional characters are so troublesome!"), abolish Mandarin and all other dialects soon after that and make Taiwanese speak a global language only ("It's so convenient!"). It works in Singapore very well and everybody knows what a fine city Singapore is. This is how Taiwanese would look like after the cultural revolution of the current foreign missionaries:
Why can't Taiwan be like Singapore? Please, can somebody shrink this huge island!
I think these are some really good prospects for Taiwan in the future. Aren't you excited? Keep in mind that in this very moment someone stepped out of the plane at the Taoyuan International Airport and smelled the fresh breeze of Taoyuan County for the first time. He will take a bus to Taip... Taichung in a day, begin to educate your kids in a week and start to write a blog in a month. And then he will tell you everything that he thinks is wrong with Taiwan without even trying to understand the reality around him. Why is Taiwanese media not picking up on this? Why is the government not reacting? These bloggers should appear on national TV at the prime time and tell the Taiwanese directly how they should improve (don't worry, there will be subtitles in Chinese!). Their wisdom is probably the biggest resource Taiwan currently has and in case a political party is looking for campaigners and future ministers, I can submit a list of these bloggers, who would be perfect for the job. And they are usually very free, they can start working immediately. Well, keep in mind, that they want higher pay and shorter working hours, because they are... special. I am special, too, because my mother used to tell me that. How about yours?
MDGB's translation -
請不要太嚴肅去看待這篇文章，它是在諷刺。如果英文讀者因此而誤會我，我也沒關係，但我要確定的是，台灣的朋友們不會誤會我的意思。我只是想開個小玩笑，但我的點在於，我實在看不慣有些英文部落客不斷地在他們部落格上批評許多台灣人的行為，而且還認為他們比較聰明，可以做的更好。到底他們為什麼覺得自己有資格這麼想？如果事情只是用不同的方式展現，那並不表示那就是不好的。如果有些傳統對你來說很怪異，那並不表示它們真的很奇怪，除非你認為地球完全是繞著你轉的。我尊敬也喜歡那些在部落格上提出建設性意見的外國部落客，他們意見很值得被閱讀。但我真的很不能忍受那些從不試著從他們狹小心胸中站出來看看的外國部落客。因為他們其中的一個人覺得我什麼都不懂，搞不清楚台灣的狀況，所以我決定寫這篇文章。
我知道台灣有許多可以改善的，很多事情並不是那麼好。但有哪個國家是真正完美的？且誰喜歡看到外國人老是指著自己不斷地批評？我也承認我自己的國家並不完美，但我也不想在外國部落格上不停地讀到它有多不完美。有些人的批評缺乏建設性，或許他們只是想寫些很極端的東西以爭取注意，但這些注意就像曇花一現，一下子就沒了。我的方式不一樣，我不想要變成知名的台灣部落客，我只是想要分享在這裡的生活而已。從現在開始，我會分享一些不好的經驗，但我會試著去找到一個比較好的平衡以反應實際情形。台灣真的對我很好，台灣人對我很友善，這讓我很高興能住在這裡。
但是有些外國人非常討厭這裡，然而沒有人強迫他們留著。或許在他們心裡面，他們也不覺得台灣真有這麼糟，他們只是對自己的現況不滿意而已，於是他們把這些不滿意給轉移到別人身上。我不曉得是不是這樣，但我真不喜歡因為如此的原因而產生這些毫無建設性的批評。我也不喜歡有些人，老覺得自己比別人優秀，在這裡把自己當明星一樣。在台灣並沒有有名的外國部落客，甚至人次流量在平均值以下的年輕台灣美妝或者時尚部落客，他們的讀者都比任何一個在台灣的外國部落客還要多。但這些外國人可以每天都寫一篇評論台灣政治或者社會的文章，老是不停著寫著台灣跟中國的狀況，或者不斷張貼錯誤的英文拼字或者拼音問題，或是揶揄台灣男朋友對待女朋友的方式：這些都不會改變他們在這裡默默無聞的事實。
說起來我也是個什麼都不是的傢伙，但我很高興我有個可愛的老婆，一份不錯的工作還有很多朋友。我不需要去批評我所看到在我身邊不好的每件事情，我也沒時間去搞這些，而且台灣人也沒時間去管這些。我們同樣要工作、要吃飯，要搭捷運上下班，我跟台灣人幾乎沒有兩樣。那就是為什麼我看不到這些抱持負面想法的人所看到的地方。他們雖然住在台灣，但他們沒有真的過著台灣人的生活，只是在一旁冷眼瞧著台灣人，當他們的旁觀者而已。通常我不會在意這些人，但是因為他們批評我的新家台灣，所以我不能沉默。
Related: My life in Taiwan>>
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